Parenting problem- child always cries

Three Year Old Crier

by Aigul Aubanova on January 17, 2011

in Parenting Advice

Parenting advice to a mother of 3 year old.

Q.Describe your child.

A.My daughter is 3 years old, extremely smart, and very obsessed with cleanliness, she is very shy, but loves outdoors, enjoys reading stories, and has a very big imagination and create her own stories.

Q.Describe the situation, where you need advice.

A.She cries a lot, since she was born we had such a difficult time with her, and now she is 3 and still. She wakes up crying all the time, anything happens she would cry…she is very polite and obedient but this crying is very annoying, and people are getting annoyed from her as well.

Q.What is your parental goal?

A.I want her to start dealing with things without the tears and be better around others.

Q.How much time during a day do you communicate with your child?

A.about 2-3 hrs a day

Q.How good is your child?

A.8

Q.How honest is your child?

A.10

Q.How kind are you to your child?

A.7

Q.How fair are you to your child?

A.9


Your daughter is a very interesting girl. You did a good job raising her developing her imagination and creativity. It is a great advantage, which you can also use for solving the crying problem.

Of course the data you provided is not enough and we have some questions to clarify your situation: what exactly happens before she cries?

We suggest, ask her about her feelings and most importantly, listen to her answer! Listen to her stories, which may tell you a lot. Perhaps she has internal difficulties, which make her afraid of something that you are not aware of.

Of course crying is annoying, but put yourself in her shoes – do you think she wants to cry? No, at her age she can’t pretend, or want to be unhappy. Naturally children strive for happiness. Most likely she is very sensitive to things, which you as her mother and other adults don’t notice.

Your girl needs you, your love and acceptance. However, recently you may show your frustration about her crying and she receives it as she isn’t good enough for you, which makes her have a real reason to be unhappy.

Don’t be embarrassed too much about what people think of you when your daughter cries. Think in advance of how you can distract her from feeling unhappy. Make her happy!

Be attentive in the morning – how she wakes up – what makes her unhappy? She is such a lovely girl! How can it ever be possible that she is afraid of something? Be as tender as possible, praise her for a being obedient and clean. This is a blessing! Many parents complain that their children didn’t learn to be clean, but your daughter is an example of a girl, who will not give her mother a reason to be ashamed. So be proud! Obsessive behavior may be the result of her great imagination, that is a gift, which, if properly developed, may bring her a lot of happiness in the future, because imagination and inquisitiveness are gifts of the soul. She is extremely smart. So she senses everything that you think about her. She knows that you don’t consider her 100% good. That is a parental mistake. You need to believe in your daughter, that she is 100% good (and a normal, stable, strong) girl, instead of judging from what you see. Remember:

We don’t believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don’t believe in them. S.Soloveychik

So, please give us more information if you think we are wrong in our analysis of the situation.

Patience is a virtue. Crying will stop when your girl will get enough of what she needs. Find out what she needs! Be patient. She deserves your patience, she is such an adorable girl!

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Lilia Campos November 10, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I have a question about mine 3 year old

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UpParent November 10, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Dear Lilia, thank you for your interest. For questions – contact us.

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Ali Wazani January 8, 2012 at 7:40 am

I have a friend of mine that Has a 3 year old boy. He is driving her insane. He is a very un obedient kid. He always opposes orders and he cries loudly and in an embarrassing way to get what he wants. The mother believes he is hyperactive as he can not concentrate and he keeps moving all around. Even when he is playing, he does not stay focussed on one game at a time. Today he wanted to go to the grocery shop bare footed and he went crazy crying as the mother disagreed.

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Ali Wazani January 8, 2012 at 7:45 am

In addition to my above information. The kids keeping screaming at his mum by saying that he hates her and asks her to go away. As you might guess that this is frustrating to a mother.

Your help is very much welcomed, the mum really has no idea how to deal with such a problem. And recently the problem is noticeable by all who surrounds him.

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UpParent January 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Dear Ali Wazani,

The child you described is in the stage of his development, where he realizes his independent self and yet, he faces limitations for his freedom. Usually mothers are embarrassed and scared. But all the child needs is love and faith. Read more in the link http://parentingforeveryone.com/stubborn_4_year_old/

If the mother wants to learn to be brave and grow in her heart, she will start looking for the answer. But what can you do about the annoying behavior of this child? Be positive and tolerant.

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Edwin Lourdes August 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

My 3 years old girl will suddenly cries and gets wild. Usually when want to take shower or want to sleep. She always sleep after midnight and cries and shout. We recently had another baby but always give the first one attention. We notice that she always says like pain but when we try to persuade her usually after 1 hour she is ok and no pain back to normal. Please advice

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UpParent August 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm

To Edwin Lourdes:
The most general advice would be – be observant, don’t be afraid, keep faith in the child’s goodness and wellness. Remember, it is temporary. Everything changes very fast at this age.

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Xena October 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I have a three year old daughter, she was born premature, she is the youngest out of the three. she constantly nags and cries. if her sisters have something she demands to have it, or else she starts crying. I just ignore her when she does that, so she knows its wrong. What can i do, to make her stop that habit

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UpParent October 20, 2012 at 10:46 am

Dear Xena:
of course it’s annoying that your child cries. However, she was born premature and needs additional attention and love. Otherwise she will learn to be unhappy and will carry that belief for a long time. Think, is it easier to make her happy now, when she is still learning, or later? Maybe she was sent to you to learn about unconditional love? Imagine how proud would you become when you discover that you can be a generously loving mom?
We write this because we believe that she won’t become spoiled little girl if you try to avoid her tears by any means. Many moms are afraid of that. We believe that she will get enough of goodness from her mom, learn about her own being good and then will grow happily ever after.

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Nancy May 31, 2013 at 3:48 am

Hello. My 3,5 year old daughter is the best child ever: she’s smart, she always wanted to try to do things by herself, now she even helps me with easy thinghs in the kitchen(she really wants to help me and i tried to find things she can do). But…starting maybe 2 months ago, she constantly nags and cries, at home and in kindergarten. And from nothing.One minute she’s ok and the next she’s crying, because she want’s to go to the toilet, or she doesn’t like the shirt, or she misses mom and dad(when she’s in kindergarten)…….I spend as much time with her everyday as i can, we do together paintings, drawings, go to the playground….I don’t know what i do wrong, maybe i spend to much/to little time with her.

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Aigul Aubanova June 1, 2013 at 10:22 am

Dear Nancy, you are a good mom. Amount of time spent with a child is not important. Something happens, which you may not know, and your child can’t express. However your reaction to the change in her behavior tells her that there is something wrong with her. You can help your daughter if you stop worrying and instead make efforts to focus on good aspects of her life. When you show her your confidence that she is alright the negative symptoms will gradually disappear.

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Cynthia June 2, 2013 at 3:49 am

Hi I have a 3 yr old daughter she was born premature. Shes a smart girl but she crys way to much one second shes laughing playing and the next shes crying going crazy for no reason at all I have a very hard time with her. Some ppl even tell me to take her to the doctor cause she seems bipolar. I dont know what to do anymore. Help please!

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Vanessa July 2, 2013 at 5:40 am

MY 3 year old does the exact thing but even worse.She is a twin and they were both premature.I treat them equally but she cries first thing in the morning,she cries anytime I say food is ready lets all eat.She cries when we get home,she does that everyday,i mean everyday that I am alive!!! It is driving me insane,i can not handle it anymore,it is too much for me.I am very verbal with my children,i get down to ther level and speak slowly to them,i ask her all the time why are you crying? she replies”i crying” I say yes I know you are crying but why? she repeats the same thing.she is not hurt or hungry or unhappy that is for sure so why is she always crying? Then sometimes she will say I not crying mama.I think she may be bipola r,i have no idea.Even her sister covers her ears when she sees her open her moth to cry.I know she purposely does it,believe me nothing is wrong with her.People are shock to see her just burst out crying.I do not baby her at all,never have never will.I read to them,play with them,tickle and laugh with them,let them be independent by choosing what the want for breakfast,i ask what they want for lunch even dinner,we communicate with each other a lot verbally.Yesterday I took them out for ice-cream,on our wa back I asked if they wanted French fries and they said yes,i got it and when we got home as usual she began to cry again for no reason.Her constant crying distracts me,i forget things,i misplace things,i head hurts,i can’t think straight and many times I have locked us out of our apartment forgetting where I put the keys.She is too much for me and I may need to send her to my grandma in a different country to care for her because I can no longer handle her.i love my children with all my heart,but I also love myself and she is driving me crazy.I feel that I am not good enough,nothing I do to keep and make her happy is enough for her,everyday I tell them how much I love them,they tell me all the time too but I am not sure what is going on with her,i have tried ignoring her,talking to her,giving her time outs,even baby her and snuggle her when she does it and I know she knows what she is doing,children are smarter than we think,i do not know why she is doing it,but she knows wha she is doing,i tell her it hurts my feeling when she cries,i tell her I want to see her smile,i love her smile it is very beautiful so smile for mama and she does,teo minutes later…lets get ready for a bath and she opens her mouth and I wish I could just disappear at that very moment.Taking her to the doctor they say it is terrible two’s..she will be three in August.She is very smart,she knows her colours,songs,animals,name it she will know it. I know she knows what she is doing I am not sure if she knows why? And I know she is not unhappy.

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Aigul Aubanova July 2, 2013 at 10:25 am

Dear Cynthia and Vanessa!
Have you ever thought why do you have your twins? Do you think that your child came to this life to make you crazy?
When things gets that bad and you feel so desperate, then maybe something very different should be done. Have you thought that your child is actually your teacher, and you translate her crying as a bad grade for yourself, as a mother. You try hard, do all possible action approaches, and all for nothing! That must be very discouraging, worse, depressing!
In your situation, right now, the best thing is to give your child to grandma and take a break. Give your child a break! A break from you, from your fear, helplessness, and unhappiness.
And in the meantime, when you, too, have a rest from that annoying cry, start thinking of what do you want. What is it that you really want? And focus of what answer comes. You want a peaceful morning. Close your eyes; breathe; imagine how would it look like; what you do and what your kids do. What does SHE do? Smiles.. What a peace! Enjoy the image; treasure each details, savor the moment.. That is your work from now on! Do that exercis e for some time, even when your child is with you, crying, and watch what will happen soon..
That is our “peace” of advice.
And more: stop asking your child “Why are you crying?” Instead, when she smiles, ask her, “Why do you smile? “Why are you happy?” “Why are you so good?” And watch her saying “I smile.” “I – happy.” “I – so good.” Isn’t that much better focus than what you do?
By the Law of Attractio n, what you focus on will increase!
What love is, in fact? It is when we look at a sick person and see health inside his/her body. It is when we look at a crying baby and see a good person, a great teacher, who tries to teach us how to love unconditionally. And you, a mother of 3 year old, are a good student, because you don’t give up and keep asking for solutions.

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Vanessa July 2, 2013 at 1:01 pm

I love my twin daughters very much,i suffered to make them,i know why I have them,god gave them to me,and I am only human to feel beat down sometimes and feel not good enough…I am a mother and I am a human and we all need a break.She does not need a break from me…the saying goes ” you need a break from your child” My mother gave me to my grandma when I was two,she needed a break,she took her break,her break lasts 15 years! When my twins were born my grand ma offered to take them so I could live my life and she would gladly give them back when I was ready,i said “no mummy,i am a mother,i want to be called mama,if I give them to you they will call you mama and call me Vanessa” Three years I have cared for them,i have tried my very best,i have not given up and will not give up,i just needed advice.Every day for the past 6 months she has been crying,the doctor said maybe she is cranky,maybe she feels cozy in her bed….my son who is 7 is still cranky in the morning said my doctor.I do not believe in a crankiness lasting 7 years,i want to work on having her give me a smile in the morning again.Do you know what it feels like to be afraid to go into their room in the morning because she will open up her mouth and scream like she is a ticking time bomb? I ask her why she is crying because she has many words,when I ask her if she is hurt or hungry she says no.When she is happy I tell her how happy I am to see her happy,i tell them how beautiful their smiles are,HOW MUCH THEY MAKE MAMA HAPPY.There is a time when giving hugs and thinking your child is teaching you something by screaming their tiny lungs out will just not work. I worked at a daycare for five years..i am turning 27 in 6 days,i know about children,i was taught very well and at working at the daycare the head staff taught me to ask questions like why are you crying? Are you hurt? Are you sad? Tell me what is bothering you? I was hoping that you would give some advice but instead you tell me to stop asking my three year old why she is crying when nothing is wrong with her,i would be extra happy if she replied ” I not happy or I hungry or I am hurt or whatever else she can thin of to say that’s bothering her,asking your children questions is the key in communicating,if you do not ask how else will you know? How else will they know to express themselves about why they shed tears.I tell her we cry when we are hurt,when we are sad,when we are hungry. Just 45 minutes ago we sat down to eat,before sitting she started crying,i knelt down and said close your mouth and put your tears away,you are not hurt,she shook her head signing no I said are you hungry she opened her mouth and said yes,so I said then you say mama I am hungry but you do not cry,if you cry all the time like that how will mama know when you are really hurt,you have to try your best to behave yourself and not cry all the time for no reason,use your words because you have lots, and smile for mama because mama loves the girl a lot,i kissed her and her sister asked for a kiss too and we sat down to eat..you know what she she said..i not crying,i eating ,mama I like the bread,mama you like the bread? I said yes I like the bread and very good using your words,good job chickly girl.So it is not that she needs a break from me,we as parents need a break from our child who we work very hard with to understand and try our best to keep them happy and healthy. Parents need a break that is why here in Canada the nurses tell you before you go home,if the baby is screaming non stop and it is too much,out him or her down in their beds and walk away,take a break,let the baby calm down or call a friend or family member.I no fears and I am not unhappy,i am trying to understand why my healthy very verbal three year old sheds tears for no reason,is it a faze or a disorder that is the question.Sadly I am slightly disappointed in some of the statements you made.Thank you for your response regardless.

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Aigul Aubanova July 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Dear Vanessa,
thank you for your time to share your feedback. Sorry, you missed the other points of my response and got disappointed in the part, where I wrote that your child needs a break “from you, your fear, helplessness, and unhappiness.” That statement must sound very rough, especially if you stop on reading the word “you” and not continue. And I even agree with your righteous indignation to defend your motherhood, because I can feel that this gives you some relief. In your situation you need a relief, some power back. And I would encourage you to let your anger out, and eventually let it go. It is very human to feel like that. It is OK.

I would like you to understand what I mean. I know that your fear and helplessness are the keys to your child’s continuing her crying behavior. (You even share with me what you feel when you enter the girls room, EXPECTING a terrible experience, EVERY DAY.) I know that it is very hard for you to believe that your focus on this cry is your point of attraction for the future. Unfortunately your child-care education would stand against that. But if it was right, why nothing you tried worked? Maybe it’s time to look for different approaches?

chioma August 4, 2013 at 11:51 am

my 3 year old daughter is my first child.she cries since a baby,before now i thozght it would be better but its worst.she cries to have her way but most times i dont give in to that.she is very clean and would always complain of adirty environment,she is so shy that till date has not said a world in the kindergarten.she screams and is always hyperactive when she walks on the road .i dont know if she is afraid of the cars or something else.please i need your advice.
my second daughter is completely the opposite of the first

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