Parenting advice to a mother of 6 yrs.old daughter.
Q. Describe your child
A. She was a good girl, polite. matured and sweet.
Q.Describe the situation, where you need advice.
A.Sometimes, she doesn’t follow my rules, she always sleep late.
Q.How much time during a day do you communicate with your child?
Q.How good is your child? On a scale of 1-10, 10 is very good.
Q.How honest is your child?
Q.How kind are you to your child?
A.I am not so kind, because I want her to be independent, but I see to it that I can give her a talk.
How fair are you to your child?
A.very fair I guess
Here is our analysis from that little data we have:
6 years old. She was a good girl, polite, mature and sweet (hint: now she is a bad girl, impolite, immature and nasty.) And, sometimes she doesn’t follow your rules (Do you think she always should follow your rules? Would you always follow someone’s rules yourself?). She always sleeps late. Always – is a dangerous word. If you say so to children, they accept it as their own label – “So, there is nothing to do, I am such a sleeper, a bad girl.”
Let’s begin with the basics: children have two basic needs: for security and development. This applies both to physical and emotional. If a child behaves wrong it means that her needs are not met, nothing else. Emotional security – heart and intelligence security – is feeling loved and trusted. Emotional development – heart and intelligence development – is an ability to love and trust others.
From the described situation your daughter doesn’t feel loved and trusted (anymore), because she feels her mother’s attitude: that you think of her as a bad girl for some time. You judge your daughter and make conclusions about her after she shows you her behavior. But this is a most common mistake: parents think that they are there to judge, to control, to manage, to command, to teach, and to rule their children. Perhaps you yourself would not have liked it if your parents had this attitude toward you. So you can imagine that children resist this attitude too. Why?
Because this attitude encroaches children’s dignity. Any encroachment is evil. The desire to suppress someone’s character is evil. On the other hand – the desire to increase someone’s dignity – is
goodness. So, the solution is – change your faith in your child: she was and she IS a good girl NOW and she will be a good girl always for you, because she is.
Experts of good human relationship says: treat your children, your spouse, your siblings as they are the most important people in the world, because “they are.” (Bryan Tracy) This is truth and you will be surprised when you change your attitude toward your daughter.
“We don’t believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don’t believe in them.” S.Soloveychik
The sleep problem may be a sign of good health and physical growth. Or, it could sign a depression, which resulted in your changed attitude and her sense of not being loved and trusted any more.
You have a lot of time to communicate with your daughter: ask her about her feelings, about her life, interests, “secrets,” or tell her about your “secrets,” make your heart listen and hear her heart. On the other hand, leave her alone for a while. It is not necessary to nag a child all the day. She deserves some privacy and rest too.
If we parents want our children to be independent this doesn’t give us the right to be rude to them. Independence doesn’t come this way. It is a law. The goal (independence) will be impossible to reach, if we try to reach it at children’s expense (by forcing them, by being unkind to them, by letting them cry). So, the only way left to reach our goal is by moral means. What are these means? They include playing with children, talking when they feel like talking, and listening to them! All this and much more requires a lot of soul work, which is called love.