Does your three year old throw a tantrum kicking her legs and screaming? Does your eight year old tease her little brother and make him cry even though you told her not to? Does your teenager turn his music up so loud that you cannot hear yourself think?
If this sounds familiar to you then your buttons are pushed. Perhaps you even know what you could have said in order to improve your child’s behavior. But you are overwhelmed with your emotions and cannot calm down. Is there a realistic exit from this torture?
“When my two boys drive me crazy I know what I should say, but I am too mad to say the right things. I cannot help but yell. I need to calm down first but even if I manage I still feel it is a big struggle for me.” Complaining parent
Good communication with your child is not about what you say, it is about how you feel. When your buttons are pushed the electricity of intense negative emotions won’t let you think clearly. You end up with your habitual yelling at the child. In addition to existing negativity you feel guilty and ashamed. Even if you constantly guard those buttons from being pushed you still experience the stress of being always alert and tense. It is like a game where you, sooner or later, become exhausted and lose. But don’t give up your hopes. There is a way to solve this problem.
Instead of keeping your child away from your buttons, turn the electricity off, cut the wires! It is possible to release your negative emotions attached to your child’s behavior. It is not the same as to calm the emotions down at the time of the stress. It is releasing your emotional attachment forever. The old triggers won’t bother you anymore. Now you are ready to think and say the right things to your child. Your child immediately feels that you are different. Your child senses your confidence. He or she is now ready to listen to you.
Why? Behind all negative emotions there is fear. Children sense it and subconsciously respond to what you are afraid of. Are you afraid of being embarrassed? Your child will make it happen. Are you afraid of being helpless? You child will let you know how helpless you are. This is the law of attraction. Your fearful thoughts materialize in your relationship with your child. In order to change your relationship you need to change your internal thoughts and beliefs, which produce your emotional state. “But this is the hardest thing to do!” you complain. However, it is also your belief that it is hard.
In fact, it is much easier than you think. There is an emotional attachment to the triggers in your mind, and this attachment can be released. This understanding is the first part of the AHA!Process: Acknowledge the feeling. Notice the feeling. Acknowledge the thoughts behind the feeling, notice images, sounds, and senses associated with the feeling. Focus on that feeling, notice that it is a reaction to specific triggers, such as words, events, behaviors, or people who remind you of some unpleasant memories in your life.
For example, your child throws a tantrum. You feel frustrated, helpless, tired, angry and ashamed. Acknowledge the feelings and start noticing: behind these feelings is fear. What are you afraid of? Being a bad parent, a loser, an unworthy person? You are not worrying about your child at this moment – you are worrying about yourself and your misery. Acknowledge!
The next step of the AHA!Process is Heal the feeling. Here we introduce you to the tapping technique (FasterEFT –Faster Emotional Freedom Technique by Robert Smith). It is a simple and yet powerful technique, which activates your internal energy to release your emotional attachments. By tapping or massaging certain points on your face and under your collar bone, you are mentally detaching yourself from your triggers and buttons. Don’t worry! You will not become emotionless. The memories of the past, images, sounds, words, or any other triggers, that used to bother you will stop producing the overwhelming feelings. You will become free from those buttons, which you had to guard against being pushed. If your child pushes the button again, you won’t be afraid anymore. Now you may be able to think clearly and use your mind to focus on the solution of the problem, instead of focusing on your helplessness and misery.
The last part of the AHA!Process is Attract desirable experiences. When you release your attachments to the triggers you will find the emptiness in that place in your mind where previously your old feelings belonged. Now it is time to fill in the gap with the positive images, affirmations, and love-producing thoughts. It is part of the mental exercise, followed by the tapping process. You think of the desirable outcome and start visualizing it, supporting it with the energy flow in your body. For example, you start thinking of what would be the best outcome for your relationship with your child. In your mind see your child lying on the floor screaming. Change this image! Now see your child get up and smile and you see yourself hugging and kissing your child. How does this feel? Remember this feeling. This is your new state of mind.
The AHA!Process is not just a process of how to let go one negative emotion. It is a process to free yourself from the misery of helplessness for a life time. When you feel happy and relaxed, full of loving thoughts, you child most likely will sense it and start changing for better. This is the Law of attraction. What you have in your parent-child relationship is the result of your thoughts and emotions. Use AHA!Process and you will free yourself from misery!
Acknowledge undesirable emotions
Attract desirable experiences
AHA! Process for Parents at Salem Oregon