common language in parenting

Communication Parents Want to Have – A Common Language

by Aigul Aubanova on May 12, 2010

in Articles for parents

Why is it so difficult to find a common language with children? “Common language – is not a language of command and obedience, instead it is a language of desires,” says Simon Soloveychik in Parenting For Everyone. While making a connection with children parents should remember that the soul of a child is longing for communication, communication not with another man, but with the soul of that man. Why soul? Why not the mind of a man, or psyche of a man? It is because souls are equal.
There is an equality of souls, an equality of desires. If you look at a child with attention, you may feel strength of joy or fear, which your child’s face will tell you about. This may happen under only one condition: In order for a child to communicate with you, you shouldn’t call for any sense of danger. The child must trust you fully – that’s it. Unfortunately, in many cases children are afraid of their parents. It is not always a physical punishment that children are afraid of, but petty parental nagging, preaching, scolding, etc.
In a way, when parents feel righteous and don’t want to put this feeling aside, they will still be a source for their children’s sense of danger. This danger is not addressing the children’s physical body, but their sense of value. By constantly evaluating each step, thought, or emotion of their children, by making comments such as “good job” or “say thank you” every time you are with children, you are letting them know that they are not equal to you. You are there to manage them, teach them, but not to communicate with them. Therefore, there is often no connection with children.
To talk to children in a common language, parents should recall the language of desires, the language of feelings. Forget about teaching children, forget about being perfect. Enjoy life together with children, share the same feelings, the same desires, the same joy, the same grief. A five-year-old child and a sixty year old professor are not equal in age, intelligence, or body; but when the professor is filled with the joy of having his book published the five-year-old can understand the feeling. When the child is crying about a broken toy, the professor understands as well. This is because they speak a common language.

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