Communication Parents Want to Have – Connecting with Children
Parenting assumes three different actions: to manage, to teach and to communicate with children. Parents think about parenting as management and teaching. But the third component, communication, is often not taken into consideration in the relationship with children. “It can be clear now why we tend to omit communication; it is not compatible with management and teaching!” says S.Soloveychik in Parenting For Everyone. Therefore, when children grow up, managing and teaching them becomes impossible: children don’t want it anymore, parents are not able to anymore. There is a conflict, which is called the generation gap. For many families it is an eternal problem. Surprisingly, for some families this problem doesn’t exist. How do they communicate with children?
Confusion comes from the fact that by communication people mean an ability to talk to each other: “I told him!” However, communication is not simply talking. It is not the use of business communication skills. It is a heartfelt connection. “You feel that you are right, you talk correctly, you demand everything that is needed, really, you are absolutely right; but this doesn’t matter at all, if you don’t connect with the child” (S. Soloveychik).
In management and teaching, the manager and teacher is supposed to have authority, some kind of superiority, so that to impart knowledge or skills to a student. For communication parents need to have heart. In communication parents and children are equal souls. So, when parents try to communicate with the child using the management or teaching approach they don’t have a connection. Are parents ready to be equal, to disclose their souls to children? Here is the difficulty. Not all adults are willing to accept the soul-to-soul relationship, equality of souls. Not all adults can remove the cloth of superiority in their communication with children.
How to make sure you have established a connection? Check to see if you call for any sense of danger in your children. Do they trust you? Do they lie to you? In many cases children simply are afraid of their parents. If you want to connect with your children forget about attempts to manage them, forget about teaching them anything. Start sharing with your children the joy and sadness of the moment, find a common language, connect with them.