Now available for sale!

A new work of fiction for teenagers and adults about dignity is available for sale! Authors Victor Dull and Aigul Aubanova’s first book Dignity- What’s That, Sam? is the result of twelve years of research in the field of parenting and ethics. The story is about a teenager who runs away from home toward adventures. On his way he discovers the truth about his dignity. With the help of a stranger and circumstances the boy is forced to ask himself such questions as what is the truth about me, what is my price, what is intelligence and what has dignity to do with anything. The book is now ready for sale.

Dignity – What’s That, Sam? originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

There are many theories of child development. However we consider the child’s development as self-liberation. A child is liberating herself from dependencies and fears moving toward freedom. She goes through the infant, toddler, preschooler, school-age, and teenage stages. In this article we discuss the major challenges a school-age child faces in her self-liberation: testing social skills and making study joyful.

Your child goes to school. What an exciting event! Now, your parenting supervision is almost zero. Your child is on her own. For many students this is a time of survival. Will teachers be kind to her? Will peers be friendly to her? Will bullies ignore her? It is not a question of whether or not there are bullies. It is a question of how will she develop her own tactics to avoid them or deal with them. Every group of people forms their social hierarchy and time to time rank their members. The school environment is no exception. Let’s be aware of this instead of being ignorant.

The more your child is internally secure by your love and support the more she will feel good about herself and adjust to the new environment. That is her way of liberating herself from fears and negativity, moving toward her internal freedom. What can you do to help your child develop positive social skills? Every day you can meet her with a smile and unconditional acceptance, no matter her school achievements. Every morning you can see your child to the school with faith in your eyes, that you believe that she is a good and honest person, and that that is enough for you to love her.

The main job of a school age child is to study. School material is growing in volume, consuming most of the child’s time. Hopefully she has talented teachers, who make the hard work of study a joy. What if she is not that lucky? Simon Soloveychik, in his book Parenting For Everyone, gives good advice: “If joyful study doesn’t depend on us, if the study is difficult for a child, let’s connect the joy with the study itself, not necessarily with its success.”

Unfortunately, many parents think that school success and achievements are the only criteria for happiness, and that is a mistake. The joy of studying and learning itself is the real result of your child’s efforts in school. Not only does the child develop her knowledge of the world by studying at school, she develops the love to the world itself, the desire to live in this world and be happy. “Don’t be afraid of bad grades, don’t force your child to be an excellent student, but be afraid to grow a joyless princess.  Life will give your joyless child bad grades,” Soloveychik says.

In the school-age stage your child self-liberates herself from insecurity and fears in her heart, from confusion and darkness in her mind. The only thing you, parent, can do to help her on this journey is to love and give unconditional support. If you can help with her studies, then help. If you cannot, you still can lift your child’s dignity by being cheerful and joyful about her life at school, her peers and adventures. Don’t be her judge or home-work manager. Be a happy parent! This sounds simplistic because it is. What you cannot impart to your child, she will acquire herself, by her self-liberation toward freedom. The stronger your faith in her, the easier this process will be.

Self-liberating School-Age Child originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Dear parents!

I continue producing simple presentations explaining the ideas of the book Parenting For Everyone, the focus of this website, and coming parenting workshops.
Sincerely,
UpParent

Hi, I Am an Imperfect Parent! originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Turn your pushed buttons off!

Children are your spiritual teachers. When they push your buttons they remind you that there is something you should work on. When you want to improve your child the best result comes from your own work on your own attitudes toward yourself, toward your child, toward the world. Using the best parent’s instincts you will bring goodness to your child by transforming into a better person, free from your old emotional attachments. Your child will notice and change as well. This is the law of attraction. We don’t teach you to protect your buttons. We teach you to cut the wire linking them, unplug the electricity feeding the buttons, so they won’t bother you any more.

Here is the situation: your child is wild, your buttons are pushed. You breathe and count to ten. It doesn’t help. You know what to do and what to say. Of course, you read good books. But this time nothing works. You feel helpless. Your patience fails. All your good intentions are exhausted. Now you address your last resort: you yell. Does this sound familiar?

We don’t teach you how to calm down or what to say to your child in this situation. You know enough about that. Here we teach you the way to release you from any problems altogether. Instead of trimming the tree of problems, we teach you to cut its roots.

The AHA!Process – the three steps process: Acknowledge-Heal-Attract.

-Acknowledge emotions;

-Heal them;

-Attract happy feelings.

Problems are surrounding us. Acknowledging problems is the process of recognizing problems and emotions hidden behind them, articulating them, and accepting them. Like leaves on the tree they grow in our lives, reflecting our reality. When we want to get rid of the problems, to throw those leaves away is not enough to prevent other leaves grow instead. We need to dig down to the roots in order to actually kill the whole tree, the Fear tree. Most emotions are derivatives of, or based on, the feeling of fear. The roots of the Fear tree go down to the first negative perceptions and memories of childhood. Some emotions are hidden so deep that we don’t remember them or don’t realize that we have them. But the AHA!Process helps us to find and acknowledge them.

The next step is Healing them. We use the FasterEFT technique (fastereft.com), which is based on activation of Chinese acupuncture points and Neuro-linguistic programming. In this step we program our mind to let the emotions go. We give our mind permission to release the hard memories and/or our emotional attachments to them, i.e. buttons. Leaf by leaf, branch by branch, down the trunk to the roots, and root by root – we release all attachments, and thus, we liberate ourselves toward emotional freedom.

When we kill the roots, we kill the tree. The Fear tree. Now we need to fill in the gap of the dead Fear tree with a fresh Love tree. It is a process of reprogramming our minds with positive affirmations and mental exercises. We replace our old thoughts with the new thoughts in our subconscious mind and thus we are Attracting future positive experiences.

By learning this simple and very powerful process you, parent, can teach your child to do same. Compare to you, your child has a smaller tree. Your child will become free from negative attachments faster. Imagine! Your child won’t have to learn simple rules of happiness the hard way, by suffering for ages. He or she will learn it the Heart way, easy, fast and immediate.

Try it! It works. It is the law of attraction.

…Each morning I call for the best in me, “I am sent a child.  He is a dear guest.  I thank him for his existence.  He is called to this life as am I, and this unites us – we are people; we are living.  He is the same as I am.  He is a man, not a future man, but a man today, and therefore he is different from any other people.  I accept him as I accept another man.  I accept my child… I accept him and protect his childhood.  And I understand, tolerate, accept and forgive him.  I don’t force him.  I don’t humiliate him by my strength because I love him.  I love him and thank him for who he is and for that I can love him, and thus, I elevate in my own spirit.” 

Simon Soloveychik, from Parenting For Everyone

Why AHA!Parent ? originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Does your three year old throw a tantrum kicking her legs and screaming? Does your eight year old tease her little brother and make him cry even though you told her not to? Does your teenager turn his music up so loud that you cannot hear yourself think?

If this sounds familiar to you then your buttons are pushed. Perhaps you even know what you could have said in order to improve your child’s behavior. But you are overwhelmed with your emotions and cannot calm down. Is there a realistic exit from this torture?

“When my two boys drive me crazy I know what I should say, but I am too mad to say the right things. I cannot help but yell. I need to calm down first but even if I manage I still feel it is a big struggle for me.” Complaining parent

Good communication with your child is not about what you say, it is about how you feel. When your buttons are pushed the electricity of intense negative emotions won’t let you think clearly. You end up with your habitual yelling at the child. In addition to existing negativity you feel guilty and ashamed. Even if you constantly guard those buttons from being pushed you still experience the stress of being always alert and tense. It is like a game where you, sooner or later, become exhausted and lose. But don’t give up your hopes. There is a way to solve this problem.

Instead of keeping your child away from your buttons, turn the electricity off, cut the wires! It is possible to release your negative emotions attached to your child’s behavior. It is not the same as to calm  the emotions down at the time of the stress. It is releasing your emotional attachment forever. The old triggers won’t bother you anymore. Now you are ready to think and say the right things to your child. Your child immediately feels that you are different. Your child senses your confidence. He or she is now ready to listen to you.

Why? Behind all negative emotions there is fear. Children sense it and subconsciously respond to what you are afraid of. Are you afraid of being embarrassed? Your child will make it happen. Are you afraid of being helpless? You child will let you know how helpless you are. This is the law of attraction. Your fearful thoughts materialize in your relationship with your child. In order to change your relationship you need to change your internal thoughts and beliefs, which produce your emotional state. “But this is the hardest thing to do!” you complain. However, it is also your belief that it is hard.

In fact, it is much easier than you think. There is an emotional attachment to the triggers in your mind, and this attachment can be released. This understanding is the first part of the  AHA!Process: Acknowledge the feeling. Notice the feeling. Acknowledge the thoughts behind the feeling, notice images, sounds, and senses associated with the feeling. Focus on that feeling, notice that it is a reaction to specific triggers, such as words, events, behaviors, or people who remind you of some unpleasant memories in your life.

For example, your child throws a tantrum. You feel frustrated, helpless, tired, angry and ashamed. Acknowledge the feelings and start noticing: behind these feelings is fear. What are you afraid of? Being a bad parent, a loser, an unworthy person? You are not worrying about your child at this moment – you are worrying about yourself and your misery. Acknowledge!

The next step of the AHA!Process is Heal the feeling. Here we introduce you to the tapping technique (FasterEFT –Faster Emotional Freedom Technique by Robert Smith). It is a simple and yet powerful technique, which activates your internal energy to release your emotional attachments. By tapping or massaging certain points on your face and under your collar bone, you are mentally detaching yourself from your triggers and buttons. Don’t worry! You will not become emotionless. The memories of the past, images, sounds, words, or any other triggers, that used to bother you will stop producing the overwhelming feelings. You will become free from those buttons, which you had to guard against being pushed. If your child pushes the button again, you won’t be afraid anymore. Now you may be able to think clearly and use your mind to focus on the solution of the problem, instead of focusing on your helplessness and misery.

The last part of the AHA!Process is Attract desirable experiences. When you release your attachments to the triggers you will find the emptiness in that place in your mind where previously your old feelings belonged. Now it is time to fill in the gap with the positive images, affirmations, and love-producing thoughts. It is part of the mental exercise, followed by the tapping process. You think of the desirable outcome and start visualizing it, supporting it with the energy flow in your body. For example, you start thinking of what would be the best outcome for your relationship with your child.  In your mind see your child lying on the floor screaming. Change this image! Now see your child get up and smile and you see yourself hugging and kissing your child. How does this feel? Remember this feeling. This is your new state of mind.

The AHA!Process is not just a process of how to let go one negative emotion. It is a process to free yourself from the misery of helplessness for a life time. When you feel happy and relaxed, full of loving thoughts, you child most likely will sense it and start changing for better. This is the Law of attraction. What you have in your parent-child relationship is the result of your thoughts and emotions. Use AHA!Process and you will free yourself from misery!

Acknowledge undesirable emotions

Heal them

Attract desirable experiences

AHA! Process for Parents at Salem Oregon

AHA! Process – Turn Your Pushed Buttons Off! originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Child development is a process of a child liberating from dependencies and fears toward freedom. On her way to independence a child goes through the infant, toddler, preschooler, school-age, and teenage stages. A preschooler continues to be introduced and learns to communicate with the world. The new ability to talk expands her freedom to explore the world and acquire knowledge about her brand new identity. At this important stage a child forms her image of herself, her I-concept, which will lead her to happiness or, if her parents are careless, to misery for the rest of her life.

Most experts of modern psychology, mental health therapy, or healing practices say that the heaviest of the emotional problems are rooted in a person’s childhood. Most people remember themselves being 4-5 year old when they first realized their identity. With new freedoms a child has new choices and new fears. At this important stage a child learns to navigate herself through the choices and avoid dangerous consequences. If in this process of exploring the world the child discovers more joys than fears, she will grow up into a happy person, friendly to the world. If  there will be more fears in her young life she might grow up into a person preoccupied with her insecurity.

A lot is going on in a preschooler’s mind. Who am I? Am I good or bad? Am I pretty? Am I wanted? A child is forming her image of herself, her I-concept. Simon Soloveychik emphasizes that at this age a child forms something that she will call later – her soul. Even 70 years later an old lady will still have a little girl inside her. The belief of her value that formed at age 5 will attract her life circumstances to match this belief. This perception does not change through life, unless the person decides to change it in the process of internal growth.

To understand what a child feels at this stage imagine a tourist in a foreign country who just learned to speak the language. She is still confusing lots of words, and is afraid to be embarrassed because of her lack of vocabulary and proper pronunciation. She often feels helpless and needs an interpreter. However, she strives to liberate herself from uncomfortable helplessness even if the interpreter often stands in her way. She goes around by herself and speaks to strangers. If the country she explores is friendly and populated with smiling people her journey of self-liberation will end up happily in the new stage.

However, it is often the case where the interpreter is preoccupied with her duty. Out of good intentions she tries to lead the tourist to safe places, even against the tourist’s will. The same sense of duty and righteousness occurs with parents. Thus, a power struggle begins. Sometimes it turns into a war between a child and a parent, which may continue through both their lives. Unfortunately many parents don’t know other ways to communicate with the child because they grew up constantly battling with their own parents. Now, when they obviously have power, they exercise it as their right to punish or have mercy. But what they don’t realize is that a child may accept this punishment as something which belongs to her identity. When grown up she will continue punish herself, in her mind, because of guilt, self-hatred and a habit to be insecure.

Thus the evil circle continues from generation to generation. To break it there is only one thing a parent can do: let it go! Let the old-rooted feeling of being stuck in misery and unworthiness go. This is an internal work of soul. However, nothing else works. A child at a preschooler stage is a very sensitive and spiritual being. She will immediately sense the parent’s transformation, even the slightest shift of it. She would be grateful and learn to grow too.

Self-liberating Preschooler originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Human development is a process of self-liberation from dependencies of any kind toward freedom. This process starts at birth, and ideally, it never ends. During the first exciting year of life an infant liberates himself from dependence on adults toward independence. From what he has learned already the most visible is his new ability to walk. A child walks! And he is in the next stage of self-liberation, the toddler stage. What should parents know about the self-liberating toddler? While exploring new opportunities of his walking ability a toddler works hard toward his next level of freedom – the talking ability. And in this process a toddler learns whether the world is a safe place to live or not.

Patient and observant parents notice what is happening with their child. It is not just physical growth, which is, of course, very exciting. It is also growth of their child’s internal world, its expansion and enrichment. Imagine the excitement of a disabled person, who has just been cured and now is able to stand straight and walk without fear of falling! That is how our toddler is feeling in the beginning of this new stage of development.

With the new freedom of walking, a fearless toddler explores his world further, the world of new opportunities. He is excited to discover that everything has a name and that the visible world is surrounded by an invisible ocean, called human language. He is now in the stage of self-liberation toward the spoken word. Nobody does that for him; nobody stirs his tongue and exercises his memory. He does it himself and liberates himself from his wordless existence. Imagine a tourist in a foreign country, immersed in the foreign language – this is how a toddler feels now.

Parents can help their child to victoriously go through the process by providing an environment rich in language and by keeping faith in the child. The richer the environment the faster the toddler starts speaking and the richer is his vocabulary. The stronger the faith is the stronger is the child’s confidence in his abilities and that the world around him is good and just.

Even if babies are cute and seem clueless, they take themselves and the world around them seriously. With their first steps and words they learn about this world and whether it is safe or not. Unfortunately, “The first footstep of a child is also the first No-no,” says Simon Soloveychik in his book Parenting For Everyone. Things around the child may be dangerous and scary. Careful parents remove most dangerous things from his reach. But, some parents “to ease life, want their child to learn their prohibitions.” While parents endlessly argue about how much permission should stand against prohibitions, the toddler self-liberates himself from being clueless about what is going on to being aware of it, in his own way. The toddler forms his own idea of the world. What must it look like?

For a little toddler the most significant person in his life is his mom. She is his whole world. If mom is happy, the world is safe and bright. If, for most of the time, mom is unhappy, or grouchy, or stern, or sad, the world is unsafe and a sad place to live. Keeping that in mind, a general rule for parents is: the happier a parent is – the safer a child is. The safer a child is, the more strength he will have for his development. This applies both to the visible and invisible features of sense of security, physical relationship, and emotional atmosphere between the child and the parent.

A toddler grows by self-liberating himself toward independence. Each single little step of his liberation is a great excitement of victory. His body can hold itself and navigate through the space. And his tongue and lips are slowly learning to copy the words of adults. Each word which is spoken and understood is a success and a new step to freedom. Celebrate these moments! And in the meantime, remember to introduce to your child this wonderful world, which is a safe place to live, and not just one to survive in.

Self-Liberating Toddler originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Self-liberation is a process of human development, where one liberates oneself from dependencies of any sort toward freedom. While this concept is generally implied to an adult, it is worth to observe, how self-liberation applies to a child’s development. The author of Parenting For Everyone, Simon Soloveychik, states that each child obtains freedom by his or her own efforts, and this process starts as early as birth. Why do parents need to know about this? The answer is simple. From the first breath the process of self-liberation of a child is not just taking place, it is a vital aspect of a child’s need for security, which many parents overlook.

Parents see a newborn as a vulnerable, defenseless human being, who is very dependent on adults. How can he or she self-liberate? The infant hasn’t yet had developed consciousness to realize the liberation; however, Mother Nature gives the child instincts. They push the child to struggle muscles toward new experiences, to reach the source of nourishment, and to explore the world. By learning to hold his head up, to crawl, to stand the baby liberates himself from his helplessness and weakness, he self-liberates toward new spaces and new sights. Parents may put a hand on his back or to support his feet, but who does the movements? The baby does, all by himself. Isn’t it self liberation?

There is also an invisible aspect of a child’s liberation. A baby learns about the world by exploring it. He touches, grabs, pushes, and pulls everything on his way. He doesn’t only learn about the things, he discovers that each thing has a certain adult’s approval to touch, or disapproval. Thus, he learns that the world he was born to is an interesting game. The game he plays has certain rules. Being a few months old an infant accepts those rules, as they are supposed to be, by default. For example, a mother accompanies the child in his investigation of the household. She talks to him and in her voice he senses her approval. Once he reaches father’s book, she disapproves, and she says “No-no.” If he insists, her voice is stricter and she may take the book away, or distract the child. He remembers the experience, and because there are plenty of other things to play with, he accepts some limits. If there is any resistance, or indignation, then it is because the parents miss the moment to introduce the child with the rules and claim them too late.

Perhaps, it is a natural instinct. Animals, too, have to follow certain rules, such as living in a hierarchy. In the life of a little child the availability of a caring authority is the foundation of his need for security. The authority figure in his life does not just protect him from dangers, but also teaches him about those dangers, so the child could safely navigate himself in this world. If there is no authority, the child’s life is chaos, uncertainty, and a mess. Such child is overwhelmed by the options and seeks for order. The peace at home, and the order at home, brings the child a sense of security, a sense of being liberated from the chaos and uncertainty.

This type of self-liberation is often overlooked by parents. When they think the time has come to set rules for a child it is almost always too late. The child gets used to the unclear parental instructions and the chaos at home. He acts out wildly, and fairly enough, he gets indignant, when he is taught about the limits and discipline. If, in addition, the child senses sounds of disappointment in mother’s voice and hears unpleasant, scolding words directed at him he starts suffering the encroachment upon his dignity. When the child’s sense of his value decreases, he does not get the security he needs for a normal development.

That is why it is important to understand the role of self-liberation in human life starting from infancy. A child, being once helpless, self-liberates himself from weakness toward independence, toward freedom. The process continues throughout his childhood and even further. The parents’ duty in this process is to help the child to make it as natural as possible, so that the need for further development prevails the need for security.

Self-Liberating Infant? originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Dignity is a two-faceted concept. On the one hand, it is used as an infinite concept, the highest human value, which suggests that both infant and adult have equal values. On the other hand, it is finite, always changing value (my dignity is always either increasing or decreasing), which we call “human price.”

Dignity and the truth

Each person has a sense of worth or value, sense of the price of his personality, his dignity. Who am I?  Am I worthy?  What is my value?  How much do I cost?  What is my true value?  What is the truth about me?  Personality, dignity, is the center of attention in people’s relationships. Demeaning of dignity is almost the only reason for conflict. Those who lost it are humiliated.

But what is the genuine dignity of a man, his real price?

Nothing is more significant than dignity for adults and children.  Everything is related to dignity.  The important thing is that there is the highest price for each man and for all men together. This price is – the truth.  Therefore all people crave it.  People need others to appreciate them by the very highest dignity, by the truth.

The genuine price of a man is the truth about him.

The truth about a man is that man is created for goodness, for infinitely increasing dignity.  Everything that increases a man’s dignity is goodness, everything that decreases it – evil.  The line between goodness and evil is the truth.  The truth is that this line exists.  That is why people are sensitive when it comes to their dignity: each action of a man either elevates or diminishes his dignity or other people’s dignities.

Dignity in a human market

Human relationship, communication, and businesses are all about selling and buying things of value. If I buy a product, how much value does it add to my life? If I buy information, how much value does it add to improve my life? If I get respect, which other people pay me, how much does it add to my human value? It seems as though we are at a market place.  Everyone are subjects of sale and comparison in this human market.

We “buy” someone (we persuade someone to trust us), and sell someone (we persuade others to trust that someone). People give me an estimation of what they think I am worthy of.  If they hold me in high esteem my dignity elevates and I feel good, goodness.  If, on the contrary, they underestimate me, they give me a lower price than my real value, I feel bad, evil.  People appraise me, what I deserve as a man, and my dignity depends on them.

On the other hand, I myself have my own idea about me, I-image, about my price.  I give my own estimation of my worth and what I deserve, thus my self-esteem forms.  Sometimes I value myself lower than people think I am worth (I sell myself cheap), sometimes I value myself higher than what people think I am.

Dignity is a finite approximation of an infinite human value. Dignity is a human value and a human price together.

Dignity and goodness

To do goodness to a man means to increase his dignity.  Why does it hurt when someone disrespects me?  It is because respect elevates my value, my dignity; disrespect brings it down.

Instead, asking for forgiveness is the first step to begin doing goodness to another person, to increase another person’s dignity.  Thankfulness is another act of goodness.  Admiration, care, and excitement about another person are parts of love, which is the greatest goodness, the greatest increase of dignity.

If from childhood a man’s dignity is protected, he forms the right image of himself, and of the world.  I am OK, and you are OK.  However, if humiliation begins in childhood and people get used to it, they acquire low self-esteem and learn to not value other people as well.  Thus, from generation to generation, like a contagious disease, human dignity continues to be encroached upon and desperately needs protection.

Dignity and freedom

A society is free when it has internally free people. People are free when they learn the truth about themselves and others. The truth is that each man has the highest human value. And everyone strives to prove it in their actions and endeavors.

Internal freedom is freedom from fear of being judged, of being charged a low price, and freedom from doubts about dignity.

The only fear an internally free man has is fear of going against his conscience.

Society knows freedom when its people know dignity.

By A.Aubanova, second edition.

Developing ideas from Parenting For Everyone, by Simon Soloveychik

Dignity What’s That, Sam? – a new self-help fiction by Aigul Aubanova and Victor Dull explores the definition of dignity in a deeper and entertaining way.

Dignity originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone

Independence is the main quality of a grown up person. What should parents know about their child’s development from a completely dependent infant into a fully responsible, independent adult? How and when do parents need to give up their supervision in order to let their child learn about freedom?

There are seven stages of this development, according to Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik (Book1 part1 Ch.11). He calls this process self-liberation. In each stage a child throws himself toward new opportunities, liberates himself from his ties with parents, learning about freedom, and about the responsibility related to it.

The first stage of self-liberation is birth. A child liberates himself from his mother’s womb, from darkness into light, into millions of new sensations, with a cry of pain, or is it happiness? He is free now! But no, it is not freedom yet. With birth a child loses the security of his mother’s body. He is very vulnerable. Even his own hands can startle him. It will take time before an infant learns about his little body and the environment around him, before he feels secure and is ready to expand his life opportunities.

The next stage is when a child starts walking. Our little toddler wants to be independent. He takes his first steps and, oh no, he falls. Again, freedom comes with pain. It hurts! However, desire to expand his living space is bigger than pain. He tries again, and again. And he learns walking. I can do it! Oh, joy of liberation! Now he himself can choose which direction to take: to the right to bump into his mom’s belly, or to the left to grab his dad’s leg, or to sit down and play with a toy. There is much more to do now, and mom is always near, offering full supervision. However, “the first footstep of a child is also the first no-no…,” Soloveychik says. This “no-no,” the way it is said, eventually may add to the child’s inner sense of security, or it may add to his insecurity. Parents, be aware! Somehow, with parental “no-no” or without, or even in spite of it, a child starts learning the difference between good opportunities and bad ones.

In the third stage of self-liberation a child is stepping out of the home into the yard. With this stage a period of half freedom and half supervision begins. More and more time of the day a preschooler is all by himself, how exciting! I am big already! There are lots of new things to play with, new fun to have. But there are also scary things, unknown, possibly dangerous things. Mother is a protector. In the beginning she is nearby. But she goes back into the house leaving him alone. A child explores the world himself, learning to deal with his new choices, new joys and fears. A desire to explore the new world is still there. However, the strength of this desire depends on a developed sense of security inside of him. The more a child feels safe the more he is willing to meet more of life.

The fourth stage. A child enters school. Now parenting supervision and protection is almost nil. New people: teachers, peers, and bullies… The more a child accumulated those inner ties with his mother, the more he feels ready for this new life. If, instead, he comes home and hears a severe “What did you do now?” or he meets an indifferent look, then his desire to develop weakens. This is the stage when a child learns whether the duty to study is associated with joy, or it becomes a burden. If studying new things brings a child joy, if he feels “I can do it!” the routine of taking responsibility for hard work of study is not scaring him. In fact, taking new responsibilities brings joy because they challenge child’s potential. If, instead, school life makes a child feel exhausted and empty, and in addition, at home he doesn’t get support, poor child! The new responsibilities of his future life will become unbearable for him.

The next stage is the exit from childhood. Adolescence. “Strength of character, formerly asleep, is released with new unclear tormenting desires.” Girls, boys, parties, dating, kisses, and sex… There is almost no external parental supervision. New freedoms come with new responsibilities, with their severe punishment for wrong choices. If heartfelt ties with parents have been luckily formed inside of a child, there is hope, that together with the teenager parents will survive a difficult time. Otherwise, they will suffer.

In the sixth stage children graduate from school and go into the world. New friends, a job, coworkers, bosses, marriage, kids, house, pets, and a yard…  It’s full freedom, and no parental supervision, for most people. And it is a full responsibility, responsibility to make one’s own choices, good or bad, and live one’s own life. If by this time there is a sense of inner security in a man, then he continues to develop to his fullest potential. The desire to take on more difficult challenges drives him to assume bigger responsibilities, fulfillment of which brings him a sense of great happiness. If, instead, the sense of security is weak, a person will have to postpone his need to develop and will work on making sure he is secure first. Sometimes this process takes a life time.

And finally, the last stage, freedom from all responsibility – death. The human life cycle ends. It is a cycle from no freedom to full freedom, from no responsibility to full responsibility, until death. How should parents teach children about responsibility? Not by talking about it, not by scolding, but by allowing them to self-liberate for life and new responsibilities.

What stage of self-liberation is your child at now? How do you teach your child about responsibilities? How and when do you give up your parental supervision to let your child learn about freedom?

Child Development: Seven Stages on the Way to Freedom originally appeared on Parenting For Everyone