Why Parenting For Everyone?
“Professional people in the child-rearing field,…with the best intentions, shower parents with advice… So parents have many choices and no assurances about which one will be the best for their family.” Dr.Spock
Would you like to know why the parent’s book of Simon Soloveychik stands out from many other parenting books available in the English language? Here are some points:
– While other authors makes you feel that they are experts in parenting, this book will make you feel that you are the expert in your own parenting.
– Other experts teach you about practical parenting skills. This book explains why some practical skills work and why some don’t.
– They teach you what to tell your child in particular curcumstances. This book will teach you in which circumstances what you say to your child will work, and in which circumstances what you say to your child won’t work.
– Other experts teach you to control your child’s behavior. Parenting For Everyone teaches you to create a special atmosphere at home where your child doesn’t need control. Your child will develop the internal source of judgement of his or her behavior, conscientiousness. While growing up your child won’t be “controlled” by others. He or she will have their own developed intelligence.
– Many experts educate you about instructions in upbringing of children so that they behave, for example reward and punishment. This book will explain why those methods won’t lead you to successful parenting. Children are not robots or pets: the internal world of a child follows different types of rules.
Parenting For Everyone is a classical book, a life long parenting manual. It is founded on ethics. It is different, because it is not filled with psychobabble, which is widespread in parenting literature. Instead of teaching a child to count, to add and subtract, give the child a calculator and say “You can do it, you have a tool!” In parenting, as in math, parents need to be able to think for themselves.
So compare, think, and decide!
Here we have an example of how other experts (left column) and classical parenting (right column) recommend solving problems. We also provide an explanation why two solutions, though having the same answer “No,” are very different at their root.
Remedy for Rudeness
|In a forum on www.Child.com there was a question:’My 4-year-old is talking back and using bad words. Can I wash his mouth out with soap to teach him a lesson?’
Psychologist Gary D. McKay, Ph.D answers:
‘While you might assume such punishment is appropriate, it actually reinforces your child’s negative behavior. When kids do things like that and get a shocked or angry reaction from parents, they feel a sense of power. The more you respond, the more he’ll act up.
What you can do: Calmly tell your child,
“I don’t like that kind of language, and when you say those words, I won’t pay attention to you.”
Then expect his behavior to get worse; this is called “the testing period.” After a week or two, your child should give up using the rude words because he won’t get anything out of it. Above all, you can help by setting a good example and speaking respectfully to others, including your child. ‘
|Here is an excerpt from the book Parenting For Everyone, chapter 40 in book2 part1 Seeds_of_Evil, where Simon Soloveychik explains how a mother reacts to her daughter’s unexpected rude word. ‘A healthy and robust three year old girl runs home and shouts to her mother, panting with excitement,
“You, you, you are a witch!”
She heard it on the playground.
How is one to answer this? To beat her so that she wouldn’t dare to talk to her mother in such a way? What would she grow up to be then if she at three years of age can say this to her mother –to her only mother! What is with children now that they can say “witch” to a mother! But the mother replies,
“Wow, my darling,” and smiles, “Do you know who you are to me? You are – my bunny!”
“And you, you are,” the girl is still indignant; “You are … a squirrel!”
That’s it. Emotion disappears. There is no tunnel. There is no evil feeling.’
|The expert doesn’t question whether or not a child may say the wrong word for the first time. The child may have no understanding of it. The assumption is that the child is guilty. So, the role of a parent is to teach him a lesson, even if the lesson is not that physically cruel as washing the mouth with soap.The expert suggests to slightly threaten the child by not paying attention to him. To the child this means a threat of denied love. The expert warns that the behavior will get worse for a couple of weeks. Of course the child will be angry at mom for the deprivation of love! But need for love is so essential that the child will have to accept that he is loved only with the condition of not saying those “special” words.
So the child learns three lessons: one, mom doesn’t have faith in him; two, he is not loved unconditionally; three, those words are powerful.
|According to Simon Soloveychik “we ourselves sow the seeds of evil, nobody else.” “The smallest grains of evil – are our rude, careless touches on the sensitive, subtly organized soul of a child, who, we think, doesn’t understand anything and, therefore, will tolerate everything.””Here is a simple strategy of upbringing – not to counter childish vicious feelings with a vicious feeling of adults, not to create tunnels of evil, and in no way to encroach upon a child. Then those small vicious emotions, caused by grains of evil, which go toward us, will disappear and dissolve. But good emotions will find roots; they will turn to virtues, to the quality of character, which themselves will beat possible faults.”
What lessons does this child learn? She is loved because mom still plays with her. Mom has faith in her. She doesn’t even remember what words she was saying few minites ago.
Compare, think, and make the right choice!